Refuge of Grace

The anxiety twinges, slowly, spreading painful heat and prickling across my shoulder. Our room is dark; my husband soundly sleeping next to me. It seems that the enemy knows in this moment I am all alone, and the sadness, shame, and unworthiness begin to creep up from my insides. This life is so hard. Fighting the darkness every day is so exhausting. I can’t wake up and do this another day. I am a terrible mom. I messed up. I lost my patience. Ugh. Heavy shame-filled thoughts course through me. I feel the temptation to stay closed off in these thoughts, not allowing God into the dark; however, I know I need to cry to God, letting Him know my feelings. In these moments, the Lord kindly reminds me of Genesis 16:13, when He sought Hagar, and saw her in a time of distress.

Hagar was pregnant, driven from her home—alone. Genesis 16:7 says,

In Mary Elizabeth Baxter’s commentary on Genesis 16:13, she points out that God sought Hagar. Hagar fled Abram and Sarai due to Sarai’s mistreatment because Hagar was pregnant with Abram’s child. God could have left Hagar in her shame and yet, the text says, “the angel of the LORD found her.” Later in Genesis 16, it is written,

God finds her in a moment of brokenness and instead of turning away, God sees her. He gazes at Hagar, despite her shame, guilt, and despair.

In these moments at night, in the dark, the enemy launches repeated attacks upon my mind and much like Hagar, I feel alone. However, I am not alone. Just like Hagar’s story, God seeks me. Hagar and I do not have the same circumstances, but we are both burdened by shame and guilt, lamenting to God. Just as God didn’t turn away from Hagar, He doesn’t turn away from me either. He sees me. Remembering these truths, the darkness lightens; I can rest knowing that He seeks and sees me.

Friends, whatever your burden is, that one that feels so shame-filled or guilt-heavy, cry out to God and rest, knowing He is the God who seeks and sees you.