Refuge of Grace

Paralyzing anxiety surfaces, stretching painfully between my left shoulder and neck. I try getting out of bed, but I can’t. I gain enough strength to hoist myself upright, my body quickly heaves in sobs. I can’t even imagine showering, let alone caring for my family. Sometimes all I can do is stare at the wall, anxious thoughts pinging through my brain. Since a young age, I believed my worth came from always doing. Therefore, in this season of despair, where I am unable to do anything, I feel hopelessly unworthy.

I thumb in my Bible to Psalm 139, hoping this passage recited over my daughter while changing her diaper will help me remember my worth, even in this pit of consuming anxiety and deep grief. I hope it will seep into the depths of my aching soul like rain drops erase cracks in the parched ground. I read the words aloud to the air, trusting God’s word will provide comfort.

After reading Psalm 139, there is no doubt of my worth, for verse 14 encourages,

“I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well.”

-Psalm 139:14 Christian Standard Bible

According to the Miriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of wondrous is something “that is to be marveled at; extraordinary.” These favorite graces come to mind when I think of marvelous: a breathtaking sunset, a bouquet of bubblegum pink tulips opening towards the sunlight, or a blue sky sponged with fluffy white clouds. This is how the psalmist describes all of God’s works, including us, friend. Wondrous. We are God’s creation and He marvels at us. His delight in us doesn’t change based on our abilities or accomplishments. Therefore, even in a season of debilitating depression and anxiety, we are still worthy simply because we are wondrously made.

My eyes trace the earlier words of Psalm 139 in verse 5,

“You have encircled me; you have placed your hand on me”.

-Psalm 139:5 Christian Standard Bible

I picture God’s mighty hand upon me and my tension eases, loosening my shoulder and neck. God’s loving hand reminds me my worth does not rely upon the racetrack of striving, but in the truth God alone created me wondrously with His hands.

In the pit of depression and anxiety, friends, let’s remember these truths. I am worthy when I grieve. I am valued when I feel empty. I am still worthy, even when I have to ask others for help. God desires me, even when the sadness is so thick I cannot begin to verbalize it. I am worthy when I stare blankly into space. My head is crowned with worth, even though the anxiety tightens my chest and shoulder, making it impossible to do daily tasks. I am still valued, even when I can’t get out of bed.

My eyes retrace the words of Psalm 139 and new words trickle off the page. The comforting words of verses 7-12, quench my desolate soul,

“Where can I go to escape your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I fly on the wings of the dawn and settle down on the western horizon, even there your hand will lead me; your right hand will hold on to me. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will be night’–even the darkness is not dark to you. The night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to you.”

-Psalm 139: 7-12 Christian Standard Bible

Let’s allow this truth to wash over our weary souls. No matter what darkness anxiety and depression catapult us into, God is there, ready to turn the darkness into light. How desperately my soul needs this light, His light.

I encourage you to take a moment to read Psalm 139 slowly, savoring each word your mouth forms, speaking His Word to your heart. Let the truths from this passage envelop you and clothe you, reminding you of your wondrous worth. No matter our circumstances, we are wondrously worthy because God formed us with His own hands. He is with us always and He loves us. Weary friend, I hope these beautiful truths cover you in comfort today.